Process: Writing (From The Archive)

As narcissistic as it is, I revere my love of preserving and archiving my work. Not only is it a vital resource for improving my work (I cringe and laugh at some of my glaring typos from my early days of blogging), it helps me to recognize my growth and acheivement whilst wallowing in the constant cycle that is a variation of a theme. 

I have many times proclaimed that 2007 was the best year of my life and it was also the year that changed my life in so many big ways as it was the beginning of my realization that there was something bigger on the horizon and that my constant plights in my tragic flaw of ambition needed to be thinned out a bit; I was swallowing down more than I could chew up. 

It can be a very healthy exercise for a writer to review their old work – for the aforementioned reasons and otherwise. With my most recent bout of “Am I good enough?” versus “Am I too good?” that all writers (should) face intermittently, this old Live Journal entry helped me put things into a different perspective in relation to my current disposition in trying to focus solely on writing and leave all the other worlds I’ve created behind (as much as I possibly can). It’s also nice to have a giggle about the not so far off history of technology and social media.

 

Monday, April 9, 2007 – 1:49pm

 

“I don’t think my marriage could stand me having any more extra-curricular activities!”

 

 

The title quote is too appropriate for this entry. while reading another’s journal I wondered what it was, what it is, that keeps his relationship together. and then, i read the aforementioned.

was it 4 years ago that i started this livejournal? 

i used to have a lot more time in my life. for me at least. now, things have changed, mostly for the better, which we all know doesn’t fuel my writing as well as all the maladies do. besides, there’s myspace now.

ugh. i’m exhausted basically. since moving in with rob, i have lost so many hours a month. not just from the responsibility of the relationship, but the intense commute i’ve gotten myself into, again.

i’d like to say or not say that everything is going swimmingly. i’ve taken up yet another quasi-career in attempt to be a well-faceted artist. i started sewing and now i’m a full fledged designer. i took it up in the first place so i’ll never have to depend on someone else to help with costumes for my shows, but now it has turned into this all-out awe-inspiring thing. i’m creating these incredible clothes and it’s totally happening by accident. i’m just basically starting from scratch and teaching myself how to do everything, so…

besides that, spring has sprung. i started taking a writing on dance class at dance theatre workshop, which has me traveling to new york once a week. initially i thought it would be a good idea to hone my writing skills (i love classes anyway), because i got hired for this gay interest online magazine and i haven’t contributed anything yet. i’d like to focus on dance, but i can write about anything, as long as it’s gay.

i am also doing an official show for the philadelphia live arts festival. i’ve been planning shows at bars with this urban hipster. i’ve been still submitting paintings to several exhibition opportunities. still starting a nonprofit company (i applied and got approved for pro bon legal service and will be incorporating as a non profit sometime by the end of the year). i still have a loose attachment to the peek-a-boo. i’ve started working out again. i’ve started reading erica jong novels again. and most of all, i’m working at this library which i love, but it is so tremendously time consuming and stressful. and there’s this guy…

this guy is a scorpio. it’s a big issue, so much that i can barely even speak about it.

i’m getting to the point in the relationship where i am constantly riddled with guilt for not contributing enough time, energy or money to our relationship (the one i have with my boyfriend). i’m not as young as i once was, so my sexual artillery (while still potent and very effective) isn’t my best weapon so much anymore, i’m too uninterested and never in the mood. then there’s my wit, which always reminds them why they’re with me in the first place, but sometimes my bitterness just usurps everything.

i’ve been very flirty lately with new guys and old ones. but i’ve always been a flirt. for the first time i am genuinely attracted to someone who is not my boyfriend. i shouldn’t be talking about this.

i guess on one hand, i’m a very loyal, devoted capricorn…on the other, i’m amiss a quarter-life crisis and i’m letting my ambition get in the way of most everything else. the most precious thing in my life, that i’ve longed for so much for as long as i can remember, is taking a backseat to everything else.

i thought that being attracted to 40 year old men would inspire some type of contentment. someone who has seen and heard a lot more than most. a man who can suck it up and not be phased by bullshit or jealousy. nope. 

i forget how awesome i am (and they are, i guess) and the consumption just eludes me.

but i’m a journalist and a painter and a choreographer and a writer and a director and a musician and a fashion designer and a administrative coordinator and a creative director and a filmmaker and an urban hipster.

could it be that since i’ve become so unattainable that the roles have reversed?

i know that living in the suburbs is not for me. i’m a stubborn little bitch and i like my way the way i like it. some how i seem to get it most of the time.

i’m struggling a little bit right now because i don’t know for certain what it is that i want.

i do want that scorpio to go away though. he’s big big trouble.

 

Image

Film Still from a rehearsal of “Human Error” performed at the 2007 Philadelphia Live Arts & Fringe Festival

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