Process: Writing (From The Archive)

As narcissistic as it is, I revere my love of preserving and archiving my work. Not only is it a vital resource for improving my work (I cringe and laugh at some of my glaring typos from my early days of blogging), it helps me to recognize my growth and acheivement whilst wallowing in the constant cycle that is a variation of a theme. 

I have many times proclaimed that 2007 was the best year of my life and it was also the year that changed my life in so many big ways as it was the beginning of my realization that there was something bigger on the horizon and that my constant plights in my tragic flaw of ambition needed to be thinned out a bit; I was swallowing down more than I could chew up. 

It can be a very healthy exercise for a writer to review their old work – for the aforementioned reasons and otherwise. With my most recent bout of “Am I good enough?” versus “Am I too good?” that all writers (should) face intermittently, this old Live Journal entry helped me put things into a different perspective in relation to my current disposition in trying to focus solely on writing and leave all the other worlds I’ve created behind (as much as I possibly can). It’s also nice to have a giggle about the not so far off history of technology and social media.

 

Monday, April 9, 2007 – 1:49pm

 

“I don’t think my marriage could stand me having any more extra-curricular activities!”

 

 

The title quote is too appropriate for this entry. while reading another’s journal I wondered what it was, what it is, that keeps his relationship together. and then, i read the aforementioned.

was it 4 years ago that i started this livejournal? 

i used to have a lot more time in my life. for me at least. now, things have changed, mostly for the better, which we all know doesn’t fuel my writing as well as all the maladies do. besides, there’s myspace now.

ugh. i’m exhausted basically. since moving in with rob, i have lost so many hours a month. not just from the responsibility of the relationship, but the intense commute i’ve gotten myself into, again.

i’d like to say or not say that everything is going swimmingly. i’ve taken up yet another quasi-career in attempt to be a well-faceted artist. i started sewing and now i’m a full fledged designer. i took it up in the first place so i’ll never have to depend on someone else to help with costumes for my shows, but now it has turned into this all-out awe-inspiring thing. i’m creating these incredible clothes and it’s totally happening by accident. i’m just basically starting from scratch and teaching myself how to do everything, so…

besides that, spring has sprung. i started taking a writing on dance class at dance theatre workshop, which has me traveling to new york once a week. initially i thought it would be a good idea to hone my writing skills (i love classes anyway), because i got hired for this gay interest online magazine and i haven’t contributed anything yet. i’d like to focus on dance, but i can write about anything, as long as it’s gay.

i am also doing an official show for the philadelphia live arts festival. i’ve been planning shows at bars with this urban hipster. i’ve been still submitting paintings to several exhibition opportunities. still starting a nonprofit company (i applied and got approved for pro bon legal service and will be incorporating as a non profit sometime by the end of the year). i still have a loose attachment to the peek-a-boo. i’ve started working out again. i’ve started reading erica jong novels again. and most of all, i’m working at this library which i love, but it is so tremendously time consuming and stressful. and there’s this guy…

this guy is a scorpio. it’s a big issue, so much that i can barely even speak about it.

i’m getting to the point in the relationship where i am constantly riddled with guilt for not contributing enough time, energy or money to our relationship (the one i have with my boyfriend). i’m not as young as i once was, so my sexual artillery (while still potent and very effective) isn’t my best weapon so much anymore, i’m too uninterested and never in the mood. then there’s my wit, which always reminds them why they’re with me in the first place, but sometimes my bitterness just usurps everything.

i’ve been very flirty lately with new guys and old ones. but i’ve always been a flirt. for the first time i am genuinely attracted to someone who is not my boyfriend. i shouldn’t be talking about this.

i guess on one hand, i’m a very loyal, devoted capricorn…on the other, i’m amiss a quarter-life crisis and i’m letting my ambition get in the way of most everything else. the most precious thing in my life, that i’ve longed for so much for as long as i can remember, is taking a backseat to everything else.

i thought that being attracted to 40 year old men would inspire some type of contentment. someone who has seen and heard a lot more than most. a man who can suck it up and not be phased by bullshit or jealousy. nope. 

i forget how awesome i am (and they are, i guess) and the consumption just eludes me.

but i’m a journalist and a painter and a choreographer and a writer and a director and a musician and a fashion designer and a administrative coordinator and a creative director and a filmmaker and an urban hipster.

could it be that since i’ve become so unattainable that the roles have reversed?

i know that living in the suburbs is not for me. i’m a stubborn little bitch and i like my way the way i like it. some how i seem to get it most of the time.

i’m struggling a little bit right now because i don’t know for certain what it is that i want.

i do want that scorpio to go away though. he’s big big trouble.

 

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Film Still from a rehearsal of “Human Error” performed at the 2007 Philadelphia Live Arts & Fringe Festival

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List: Stalking

I’ve tried all 50 ways (and then some) to leave my lover and I know every step I take he’ll be watching me. 

List making is usually a comforting and stress-relieving activity for me but today it is ripping my entrails apart. For legal purposes, I must make several lists in regards to activities that have transpired over the past 2 years about my ex-lover who has taken up a grand crusade of stalking after my much lamented history of trying to escape his domestic abuse (physical and otherwise). 

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There is no button I can press to “block” him (as so many doctors, lawyers, therapists, police officers, friends, and family members have suggested) as proven in this list of devices he has used to try and communicate with me. 

1. Email # 1

2. Email # 2

3. Facebook

4. Instagram

5. Twitter

6. Vimeo

7. Kik

8. Whatsapp

9. Gayromeo

10. Bareback City

11. Nasty Kink Pigs

12. Chem Pigs

13. Dudesnude

14. GoChat

15. Viber

16. Recon

17. Youtube

18. Tumblr

19. Cellphone # 1 (SMS and Calls)

20. Cellphone # 2 (SMS and Calls)

21. Skype

22. Blogger

23. Live in Person

 

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I use a lot of social media as a primary resource for my work as an artist – I would be a helpless and hopeless Satirist if I were to change any of the courses of my normal daily activities – that, as defined by law (in Germany and USA) is the primary function of stalking: to interrupt the opportunity for another person to live a normal life. 

Why Berlin.

If you come to and stay in Berlin for more than two minutes you will be blitzkrieg’d with the question “Why Berlin?” almost daily. To combat this I usually tout the adage “The same reason as everyone else,” that couldn’t be any closer to the truth – but I’ve complied a list of responses I’ve spat out or forgot to mention otherwise.

1. I wanted to move to Europe – Berlin is an international city that is central in Europe and cheap enough to survive.

2. I like the history of an ongoing artistic renaissance. There are more artists in Berlin than businessmen.

3. I’ve been doing a lot of WWII and Black European History research and I am developing work in regards to minority diaspora.

4. I like the cold, hard architecture.

5. There are a lot of people just like me back home on the east coast – I have a unique edge here.

6. I wanted to expand my artistic experience and broaden my market.

7. All I did in the USA was work – I did not live my life. I wanted to focus on being an artist and enjoy my life more.

8. I’m addicted to Germans.

9. I have a lot of sociopolitical issues with the US…I wanted to see how the other half lives.

10. I’m an artist.

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Obligatory Jewish Memorial Photo taken during my first trip to Berlin – October 2009.

 

11.  I was tired of being ostracized, oppressed and discriminated against by my own people – I took a chance at the opposite.

12. I wanted to live in a place where I was not a part of the majority minority.

13. Back home I was too popular. I wanted to escape to a place of autonomy.

14a. The beginning of the demise of my long-term relationship began in Europe – I wanted to start off where I ended it all.

14b. I thought that I would find my proverbial Knight in Shining Armor in Europe, with an accent.

15. I like that wine and beer are cheaper than water, but still people are much more dignified about drinking.

16. After my first visit, I could not imagine living in a place where I cannot drink publicly.

17. The Berlin Winter is so dark and lonely – it is for me the best time and mood for me to write.

18. I needed to have the not so fabled sexual evolution that so many people come to Berlin to experience.

19. I wanted to release myself from all of the other gay-related stigmas that are rampant in the USA.

20. I wanted to wear whatever I wanted, so be it if I look like a smacked ass – and not be yelled at by strangers.

21. In Berlin, everyone goes to see art, not just the higher and lower end of the class divide – culture is important here.

22. The political system eludes me.

23. (Initially) I thought Berlin was a world-class city, gentrification has since destroyed that dream.

24. You can buy a month’s worth of groceries for about 30 Euro.

25. The transportation system is amazing (though much less affordable than it was in 2009). Nonetheless it is a bike city.

26. Obesity is something that really bothers me in America – it is not such a common and vivid issue in Europe.

27. Socialism allows a mellower social playing field. Materialism and superficiality are not welcome in Berlin.

28. People are tough and mean, like back home in Philly. But it doesn’t smell as bad here. I love to hate and hate to love it here.

29. There’s just something about Germans. They are impossible and alluring and so meticulous about sex.

30. At my last job two people that I was very close to died. It was impossible to continue on without them.

31. I was burnt out from the 3 houses, the husband, the cat/dog, the 3 jobs, trying to finish my degree. I almost died.

32. There is much more concern about global issues rather than global domination (i.e. recycling, public health, urban planning).

33. Berlin is the place where Christopher Isherwood got most of his inspiration.

34. I am inspired every single day. All I need to do is walk outside. The city is vast and beautiful and strange.

35. With Berlin, it was love at first sight.