Here is an iPhone note from 2 weeks before I was leaving Berlin to return to the states after staying in Germany for 3 months to test the water and stake my claim.
December 15, 2010 – 5:39pm
“Going for the Gold”
Shiny round beacons. Always loved silver. Ball and chain. Add water instant boyfriend. How do they do it. Proposal cliches. Jaded or tired. Are they happy I wonder. That true feeling in your gut. Does it go away. Codependent. Lady in waiting – for what. It’s like a race running around in circles, hurdles, passing the baton. What’s at the finishline??? When it happens will it stifle the rest of life? What is the prize? Settle for less. Notch on the bed post. Held out sex to no avail. Find a proper place. The impossible balance. True meaning of family. Someone you have to let in “company” the musical. Love songs on iTunes. Alcohol and drug effects – loss of inhibitions. Children and raising a family. Want what you don’t have both ways in and out of relationships. Love lives of celebrities – technology. Online dating not frowned upon. Less traditional communication. Harder to get into workforce. Putting career first. Hard vs easy. Time. What does it all mean when you question it. Emotional food chain. Survival of the fittest. Family influence. Freudian inclinations. Want the door opened but not carried through the threshold…