Fringe Festival Blog – Part 12

Did I write about the preview show? It was at the end of June. There was a lot of drama. It was a clusterfuck. I had to dance three of the numbers for girls who couldn’t make it. I danced in a dress. I drank lots of beer. It was well received. That is all.

Since the preview show I have been rapid cycling when it comes to my creativity. Some days I have all these new ideas and some days, the last thing I want to do is dance. Instead of working on what I already have, I keep adding more choreography to the pot in the hopes that I will be confident enough to put it all together without losing the intent. There is still the struggle of getting everyone on the same page due to scheduling conflicts, but days like today I wonder what am I doing this for? Oh right, for the love.

I’ve had some special issues that have occurred in the past couple of weeks that have affected me in a big way. People have come into my life and one that I was close to died…this has been a struggle, in so many obvious ways but I am fighting through it. My day job is really wearing me down and I’ve been picking up more shifts at the restaurant so I am totally one big ball of stress these days.

I am hoping to remove all of my prior ideas around spectacle out of the piece: no dialog or big set pieces or props. I don’t want to be too literal about what I am presenting. The girls are doing really well with the choreography and I have a great cast. I have to develop some exercises to work on this “sinking” technique that I use. A lot of the work that I do revolves around isolations of the back, arching, stretching, curving…I have a version of the contraction that really exaggerates the shape of the body, and I have incorporated it into a lot of pieces so far.

Last night I had a pretty thrilling time being a go-go dancer for an artist friend of mine who was throwing a going away party. It was great to be there and I had a good time. I ran into many friends that I have worked with before. I didn’t know what to wear but it worked out even though I kind of looked like a tool. I don’t know if I was being too strippery or feminine or whatever but I really didn’t care. During the second act, I got all nervous for some reason. The place was really packed and the show was going so well (so much amazing talent on stage). I was trying to pull off this sexy Clark Kent thing, I wore these big geeky glasses with a pair of superman underwear and a cutoff white oxford shirt. I got reprimanded by one of the staff because I was doing all this stuff on the railing of the stairs and she was worried I was going to break my face off. Another dancer came to relieve me half way into it and I got changed and left shortly thereafter.

When I went to get changed I ran into some friends from other burlesque circles and I was so happy to see them but a feeling of sadness washed over me. I was really hot and feeling kind of nauseous as it was, but then I got to thinking about how depressing it is that I don’t do this kind of work all the time. I love being around the girls and they do such a great job. The show was running very smoothly and I wanted to stay longer but I didn’t want to be riddled with longing and disappointment, those feelings I always get after I see a show – so envious and bitter.

I know my day will come but I’m getting impatient. I guess because my “real” jobs are giving me such a headache right now all I can think about is how desperately I NEED to do what I love full time.