If you want it done, right?

I’m still decompressing from Friday night’s show, only because it was just a big mental stressor on top of all these other endeavors I have going on right now, primarily the big three we all endure on a daily basis: home, money and love. Some good and bad news erupted in my email since the show, I found out that they didn’t video record it but the director of Dance Advance said he enjoyed the performance “very much”. I kind of want to throw up all over the place because it is of dire import that I have all of my work visually archived. What’s the worth of being an artist if you have nothing to show for it? I got to thinking about how it was nice that the organizers of the show were much calmer and relaxed than I would have expected and they kind of let us do our own thing. As a capricorn, this made me happy because I had complete control over everything under my jurisdiction. I did record the tech rehearsal (grainy, fucked up youtube video coming forthwith) but I really wish I had living proof. How am I to gauge what needs to be fixed or augmented? How? Tell me how.

This is also a disappointment for me because I don’t want to disappoint my audience (whoever you are) and the people who might actually give me that stuff, what do you call it? Oh, money! so I can perform in a more sustainable manner in the future, without having to give up my love of fine dining. Some day. Some day.

I really shouldn’t complain, but that’s not part of my personality.

I’ve been once again thrust into taking the initiative here at my “real job” and I hope there are not too many sore toes on the bound. I keep swaying between the ebb and flow of making things happen and waiting for them to come to me, all the while trying to maintain some sense of ambition no matter what goes on around me. It is beyond me (and others I presume) why it is that I exhaust myself in this way, I guess it’s better than being bored, but what it comes down to is, I really enjoy doing things that I’m good at, and I’m finding more and more of those things everyday. The problem for me is, when I get help or I try to disseminate my responsibilities and objectives, it’s not done the right way (or as other people call it “your way”).

Someone had asked me when I was going to start posting video of my work, since this blog is primarily in place to expose the artistic process, and I answered with the lie “I’m shy”. It is another big step for me. It’s hard enough using my this blog as a sounding board for all the internet to hear. I really do care what people think about me and it never seems to affect me in a negative or positive way, but I am always curious to know. I don’t mind being judged in the least, I think it is something we all do all the time in our heads, so if you are willing and brave enough to put yourself out there, you should expect to take a bullet or two in the crossfire of opinions, whether they be good or bad. I just don’t want to come off as a fame seeking, attention hungry fool, as much as I love being stalked. It really shows you care. Or at least, that I’m interesting enough for you to give a shit (yes, I’m talking to you).

At the risk of getting too personal (although this is good practice for that provocative, autobiographical-ish novel waiting in the wings), I was amused and a little disheartened by something someone said to me recently. I was on the phone with him and I was looking for a box because I was expecting company and I came up with the brilliant plan of throwing all the surface shit scattered around my apartment in said box to deal with it later. I kept saying “God, I wish I could find a box” only for him to add “What? For your emotions?”. It was funny, but not, and what I wanted to say (but of course, didn’t) was, “You should’ve seen me on stage Friday.” I think I expressed more emotions on that stage that I have all year. C’est moi.

I laughed like I always do at this particular person’s astounding ability to stab me with pangs of sarcasm albeit true and thoughtful observations regarding my personality defects. I can always appreciate a good joke from someone who doesn’t take life so seriously.

Speaking of which, I was bombarded with that sick feeling I sometimes get around artistic personalities. I always have to be the token or the outcast, I swear I don’t go through great lengths to do it though. I swear!

We all know about artists. They all have their unique peccadilloes and nuances that define their personalities. Actors are divas, dancers are prissy, musicians think they are rockstars, singers are cocky yet insecure, writers are drunks, filmmakers think they know everything, and painters are flaky and self-absorbed. Being around all those dancers on Friday reminded me how cool I am (is that offensive?).

Okay, I think it’s great that you can put your ankle behind your head and you look just like Swan Lake with your make-up. I too like to stretch and meditate before a show, but what about the fun part? What about jokes and getting personal with each other. I met one or two girls with a lot of personality and they were really amusing, but some of the other dancers were kind of stand-offish and took themselves way too seriously. I wanted to fart in the middle of the dressing room just to break the tension. But I didn’t.

I guess because the arts are so competitive, some people grow a thicker-than-thou skin. And I know some of the girls are shy anyway. Or they get nervous. I guess I’m so used to running my own shows where the people form really strong relationships and we are all there having a good time and we can’t wait to go grab a drink after the show. This, and the fact that most of my venues are a little less serious. Still, I do envy them sometimes, that they take their craft so seriously. I wish and hope the best for them. Really, I do. I just hope that they understand that as serious as it all is, it’s the love that came with that first time you went all the way down to a split or that first perfect pirouette that should be what keeps you going.

Now I’m preparing for the next show to be held at the Etc. Series at the CEC in West Philly on December 5 & 6. This time, I won’t be in the show, and I’m using three capable girls who won’t have a lot of time to learn the choreography. I forced myself to stay on the couch for most of the weekend to kind of dull my creative zealousness (read: mania), because I really don’t have a lot of time or energy to put something outlandish together with costumes and crazy cues and all that. I think I’ll just keep it simple and work on some of the isolation technique I’ve been enhancing in my work. It’ll be nice to sit in the audience and watch it though, and make sure everything is right where I need it to be.


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